


Pink Light

by autumnmycat



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love Triangles, Narcissism, Oneshot collection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-11-26 15:10:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20932271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnmycat/pseuds/autumnmycat
Summary: Pearl knew that Greg Universe had won Rose's heart, but she never expected that this newfound love would destroy her world—destroy the one person she loved more than everything. After all the thousands of years on Homeworld fighting a war with her and all the thousands of years on Earth learning to coexist with humans with her, Pearl must come to terms with the fact that she now has to exist without her.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hmmm, it seems I'm back in this archive once again after almost 3 years lol. After the movie confirming that Rose Is Bad™, I couldn't help but reexamine what it must have been like to be Pearl during the months before Steven and the impact of Rose's disappearance on her. Anyway, it's probably just an excuse to write more Pearl angst which is the only thing I seem capable of writing.
> 
> The fic is very loosely based on this playlist (https://8tracks.com/autumnmycat/pink-light), but I think this will just be a series of oneshots. Anyway, don't hate me if this doesn't go anywhere lmao

Emotional neglect is a legitimate form of neglect, unfortunately.

It’s one that’s difficult to pinpoint exactly because there are no hunger pains, there isn’t uncontrollable exhaustion or a sudden urge. It’s a neglect that nestles behind your heart and stays there until it’s ready to rear its ugly and miserable head. 

And, the feelings don’t quite make sense. You do things and react in certain ways, and you don’t know why, you can’t even make the connection between the ache inside you and your own destructive behavior. You could be constantly surrounded by those who love you and still be alone. You could exist in the real world but still be stuck inside your own mind.

Pearl only knew that she had turned herself and her desires off at some point. The disappointments didn’t hurt as badly because she expected them, knew they were going to keep coming. There were a few things that proved this to her.

1) Rose had been serious about Greg.

Like all the boys before, she had assumed that he was just another phase, just another human to play with and discard. But, instead of Greg, Pearl came to realize that she had been the one who had been discarded. Even though they could never fuse, their relationship was far more intense and far more like an actual _relationship_ than Pearl had ever experienced. It was disconcerting to see him become a more permanent fixture in their lives (as if humans could ever be permanent, she thought bitterly). 

2) She couldn’t confide in Garnet nor Amethyst—especially not Amethyst.

The mess of crossed wires and misplaced feelings in her chest weighed heavily on her, but she couldn’t find anyone to help her untangle herself. If she had the gall to speak up in the first place, they would have never taken her seriously. They laughed at her when she openly vied for Rose’s affection. They dismissed it as a silly and trivial matter and subsequently dismissed her as silly and trivial—not as a being of sorrow that floated along, waiting for someone, _anyone _to appreciate her, or validate her, or anything really.

3) Pearl couldn’t stop serving her even if she wanted to.

It was a fact of her existence that as long as Rose was alive, she had no choice but to obey her. That sounded awful because she did want to follow her to the ends of the Earth and fulfill her every wish, but there was a fundamental mismatch between her blasé attitude and her continued use of Her Pearl. She didn’t want her around, yet she wanted her around. Pearl was in love, but she was forced to maintain a warped sense of pseudo-detachment. Love her now, leave her alone later. Kiss her when asked, but never expect it to occur on her own accord.

She’d never considered this to be mistreatment because however she was treated by Rose was what she deserved. Those were the rules, and even though they were no longer residing on Homeworld, no one had told her to break _those_ rules. She was her own Pearl except when expected to act like a pearl. The emotional sensation seemed akin to the human concept of whiplash (n. injury caused by a severe jerk to the head, typically in a motor vehicle accident), even though she had never experienced it considering she was a very good driver and all.

The very thought process made her feel guilty—ashamed. She shouldn’t have been questioning Rose. That was not her job. Rose’s intentions were irrelevant. Her actions mattered more, regardless of the consequences.

(But, the insides of her physical form ground together like unoiled gears, scraping and grating into metal shavings that piled up where her stomach would have been if she had one.)

Emotions were not discussed on Homeworld in the way that they were on Earth, so Pearl had no words to articulate them. This fact also made Problem Number Two irrelevant. She couldn’t say anything even if she wanted to. She couldn’t admit that she was Pink Diamond’s Pearl, so she sat in silence, lips locked tight by a part of her that she couldn’t control. What would she say to them if she could? She didn’t know.

Greg tried. It was just a shame she hated him so deeply.

“You’re not okay with this, are you?”

He asked like it weren’t ridiculously obvious.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she grumbled into the hood of Greg’s van. The engine needed to be repaired again. Just what did he do to that vehicle in his spare time?

“You know—” his eyes and tone shifted away from her, “—me and Rose.”

“Rose and I,” Pearl corrected.

“You’re dodging the question.”

She stood up straight, wiping her greasy hands on the rag she’d hung off the front bumper. She didn’t look at him.

“There’s nothing to discuss. Rose is free to do what she desires.”

“Yeah, but if there was something between the two of you, I don’t want it to become an issue—”

“It doesn’t matter.” She shut the hood and turned away, still cleaning her hands even though they weren’t dirty anymore. “As I said, Rose is free to do what she desires.”

The brick wall that Greg kept hitting must have been confusing to him as a human with no experience with royal hierarchical structures and even less experience with the type of relationship that Rose and Pearl shared, but she was thankful that she had effectively shut down the conversation. The last person she wanted to discuss this with was him.

However, his prodding haunted her as night fell. She could only stand in front of the door to The Temple and wring her hands. 

(There was so much between them. So much between them. It was the reason why she had always been confident in her standing in Rose’s life. She knew so much more about her than anyone else.)

And, yet…

Why did she feel like she didn’t know her at all?

Pearl shook her head, trying to clear the thought from her mind. It couldn’t be true. She couldn’t let herself believe it. If she let herself believe it, there would be nothing left—nothing left of this and nothing left of her.

As if her thoughts had been a call out into the universe, the doors opened and the subject of all her turmoil appeared. 

“R-Rose.”

The gem stood at least eight-feet-tall, dwarfing Pearl herself. But, her grandness was part of her splendor. She was magnificent, a sight that demanded to be beheld. Her hair tumbled with cascading curls over her back and shoulders, which bounced when she walked. Her pink lips and kind eyes could take every unnecessary breath out of her, could crush her chest until her form had been destroyed from the pressure.

“Pearl—” (her name on her tongue always sent a shock of through her), “—what’s wrong?”

Did she notice the nervous energy in her body, the pleading that was ever-present in her eyes?

“Oh, there’s nothing wrong,” she lied, eyes shifting away. “I just didn’t want to be alone in my room.”

“Would you like some company?”

When Pearl turned back, the adoring look on Rose’s face could almost convince her that everything was fine and that she was still The One.

Almost.

“Yes. If that’s alright.”

“Of course.”

* * *

Rose’s Room was a beautiful expanse of pink clouds and beaming light. It was also a magical, pseudo-technological marvel, but she’d always encouraged her to think of it as if it were a place that occurred on Earth. It did look like they were standing on the clouds that lined the skyline at sunset. Everything glittered as if the atmosphere really was comprised of condensed moisture.

“Sorry for imposing,” Pearl apologized instinctively. Better to apologize first rather than retroactively. Better to apologize for her presence than to be perceived as a nuisance that didn’t know she was a nuisance. 

“You don’t have to apologize.” Rose turned to her, another kind smile aimed her way. “I invited you. If anything, I should be apologizing.”

Apologize to her? For what?

She didn’t ask, and Rose didn’t elaborate.

“Have you been doing alright?” Rose asked with a tilt of her head.

(_No._)

“Yes, of course. I’m always alright as long as you’re around.”

It always surprised herself how easily lies rolled off her tongue. She would have liked to believe she was an honest gem, but considering her whole existence on Earth was fabricated from an event she could never mention, maybe it was in her nature to be dishonest.

“You’re so sweet, my Pearl.”

Rose was predictable in the way that when she spoke so lovingly, she would reach out take her chin, tilt her head up and give her a delicate peck. Pearl always forgot how much bigger than her she was until her hands and lips were on her, but every part of her was just so perfect that it caused every part of Pearl’s physical form to shake. She often wondered if she’d retract back into her gem because the feelings were so strong. It was crushing, just like her anxiety was.

When Rose pulled away, Pearl couldn’t help but flush—a sign of embarrassment she had picked up from being around humans for a few thousand years. Her fingers brushed her lips, half to try to retain the sensation and half to hide the small smile that appeared.

However, when she looked up at her, Rose’s expression dimmed as if she knew she had done something wrong. Her smile was melancholic.

“You would be alright even if I wasn’t around, wouldn’t you?”

Everything inside Pearl seized up. Panic overwrote her sense of mind.

“Y-You’re leaving me?”

Rose jumped, waving her hands in front of her face, clearly flustered. “No, no, no. That wasn’t what I meant. I…just worry.”

The fact that Rose worried about her couldn't override the guttural fear of her potential absence. She had always known this was a possibility. She would grow tired of her. Discard her like all the boys before. Now that Greg was in her life, why did she need her? She didn’t. She didn’t need a Pearl on Earth when she had _humans_. They were so fun, after all.

“He’s not a phase, is he?”

Rose's eyes widened like they did when she was confused or surprised. Possibly both.

“Hm?”

“Greg,” she said softly, “he’s not a phase.”

She put a hand to Pearl’s face, brushing her thumb over her cheek as if to brush away a tear that hadn’t yet fallen.

“Oh, Pearl. All humans are a phase. They don’t live very long,” she giggled.

The sentiment should have made her feel better, but it didn’t.

“But, you—you care about him.”

“I do.”

“So, how do I know you won’t stop caring about me?”

The room of pink clouds and pink light was silent. The air had turned too thick, and Pearl’s cheek must have become too hot because Rose’s hand flinched away. Maybe she had suspected that the sorrowful looks she had been giving her were related to this topic, but Pearl, frustratingly, could never know or understand what was happening in Rose’s head. How she desperately wished she could.

“I will never stop caring about you, Pearl.”

The sentiment was followed by another kiss, this one far more deep and passionate, a purely Human/Earth kiss. But, the anxiety in her brain couldn’t help but wonder if this was a way to placate her while only putting off the inevitable.

* * *

Maybe she had always been lying to herself to a certain extent. She thought Rose was so beautiful, and she had reciprocated the notion, but it clearly wasn’t enough. How could a pearl be enough for a Diamond? She always knew it to be the truth, but she had always wanted to run away from that fact. If she let herself believe it to be true, she wouldn't be anything anymore.

_I am your Knight_, Pearl would say and let herself die over and over for her. But, Rose still loved Greg.

_I am your Protector_, Pearl would say and let herself be molded into Rose’s/Pink’s Pearl. But, Rose still loved Greg.

_I am always yours_, Pearl would silently think and let Rose never say it back. And, as it followed, Rose fell in love with a _boy_ that was not her.

Pearl knew she was not so special, but she just wished that Rose would have told her that. Maybe it would have saved her the thousands of years of heartache.  



	2. Pink Cadillac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Crystal Gems are gifted a car. Unfortunately, they are not very concerned about traffic laws. Pearl is not a big fan of this, unless Rose wants her to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is based on [Pink Cadillac by Alice Gray](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwWB1cAYw74) and [this very rude image](http://i.imgur.com/WZmBRca.jpg) that the sugar woman made me see (i know its a porche let me live my life)

“I can’t believe you took it,” Pearl sighed.

“I didn’t take it,” Rose beamed as bright as the sun shining off the front bumper. “They offered! Would you have turned it down?”

“Yes. Because we have no use for a car. It’s simply not practical when we can warp wherever we want. Wouldn’t it have been better for a human to have it?”

Garnet, who had been holding the vehicle over her head, placed it on the sand. Rose didn’t respond to Pearl because she had stars in her eyes. Pearl sighed but didn’t have it in her to continue to argue.

“And, they customized it for us!” The large gem crouched down and ran her fingers along the rims, which were shaped like stars. The car's paint was the same color as Rose’s hair. “Humans are so inventive—I would have never even thought to ask for such a thing.”

“I wanna _drive it_,” Amethyst said, jumping into the driver’s seat. The problem of her short stature immediately became apparent.

“You can’t reach the pedals,” Garnet said matter-of-factly.

“Uh, yeah I can.” With a flash of light, Amethyst made her legs absurdly long for her body. She swung one of her noodley appendages over the car door, and her foot almost touched the sand. “Can’t compete with this tall drink of water.” 

She winked in Pearl’s direction. Pearl groaned loudly.

“You _cannot_ drive because you don’t know _how_ to drive.” She stomped over and picked Amethyst up, her legs flapping in the breeze. “Unless you want to smash this car, you’re forbidden to sit in this seat again.”

“Ugghhh.” Her legs retracted back to their original size. “But, what if I wanna smash it?”

“No, no smashing,” Rose said, approaching them and taking Amethyst out of Pearl’s arms. She held her up so they were at eye level. Only Rose could treat Amethyst like a child and get away with it. “Just leave the driving to us, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Once she had been set down, Rose turned to all of them. She took the keys out of the front of her dress, spinning them around her finger with what others would describe as a wicked smile. The Crystal Gems knew she was just excited.

“Well, want to take it for a ride?”

* * *

Pearl cursed humanity as they sped down the highway fast enough that she had to grab onto the sides of her seat. When they’d been asked to save a car dealership from a corrupted gem attack, none of them could have anticipated that they would have given them a _car_ as payment. Well, maybe Garnet could have, but the point was that they didn’t need payment—it was their duty to protect the Earth, after all—and yet, Rose accepted it anyway.

But, of course she had. It was a symbol of humanity, a novelty. Super flashy, superficial. Those things appealed to Rose. In a distant way, they appealed to Pearl, too, but more by association than anything else. However, as the others hooted and hollered, Pearl was worried she might be sick even though she didn’t have a digestive tract to expel emesis from.

“You okay there, P?” Amethyst grinned, “You’re looking a little green.”

“I’m fine,” she huffed, making a conscious effort to release her grip from the leather. She looked off to one side to see a sign that said, “SPEED LIMIT 45.” She looked to the speedometer, which was pushing 80 miles per hour. “We’re going almost double the speed limit.”

“But, isn’t it fun?” Rose certainly was having fun. She looked elated, her smile large, her eyes twinkling. Her hair whipped around, which looked like it would have been uncomfortable except for the fact that she had been very adamant about keeping the convertible roof down. All of this was against Pearl’s better instincts but trying to talk sense into Rose when she was this determined to be wild was pointless. “And, anyway, Garnet will tell us if there’s any police near. Right, Garnet?”

Garnet gave a thumbs up, a smile on her face that was rare for her. Pearl had the feeling she was being overly cautious because even Garnet was enjoying herself. And, Rose…

The way the sun shone through the trees and left little beams of light on her made her look even more ethereal than she normally was. The wind and the speed had done something to Pearl’s stomach, but the realization of how wonderful it felt to sit beside Rose did something quite different to her chest.

“Speaking of which, Garnet, do you see anything?”

Garnet adjusted her glasses before responding. “No police. Just be careful around trucks.”

“Got it.”

And, with that, Rose pressed on the gas, and they began going even faster.

“Whoo-hoo!” Amethyst hollered. “If this is what being a human is like, then I like it!”

It didn’t really make sense as to why she felt such dread going fast in a land vehicle when she had been in ships that went many times faster, but maybe it was the fear of trouble, the fear of punishment that seized her.

It wasn’t like Pearl would bear the brunt of the ordeal should it inevitably devolve, but she (hated the feeling of dread that would sit heavily on her when circumstances weren’t alright) and (if Rose were in trouble, she was also in trouble because she should have been defending Rose. What if Rose was arrested? No doubt that she could shapeshift out of any situation she might find herself in, but on some level—)

It would be her fault.

She took a sharp inhale, trying to get her breath back as the speedometer shot up to well over 90 miles per hour. She grasped her seatbelt and realized that none of the others had theirs on.

“Rose—please—this is dangerous.”

She remained flippant as she always seemed to be.

“Aren’t the Crystal Gems all about danger? Aren’t we about breaking the rules?” Her voice was unwaveringly triumphant, as if she were recalling the glories of battles won against Homeworld. “Have a little fun, Pearl. For me.”

Rose turned to her and smiled.

Like something exploded in her chest, Pearl felt a maniacal giggle pour out of her, and the car ride didn’t seem as scary. In fact, it was invigorating, and a huge smile spread across her face. In a split second, she was having fun, and it felt great, and the thoughts of punishment couldn’t intrude on her newfound enthusiasm.

“That’s the spirit!” exclaimed Amethyst.

The road curved sharply up ahead, and Normal Pearl would have probably shouted about it, but she was having too much Fun For Rose. The only thing she could do was lay her head back against the headrest and close her eyes, enjoying the feeling of the sun on her physical form and the contentedness she rarely felt.

Well, that was until the sound of a blaring horn brought her out of her own reverie (but only a little bit). The flare inside her as Rose had to swerve to dodge a giant semi-truck should have felt like panic, but it felt like a rush of adrenaline, and Pearl felt heat rush to her cheeks, which hurt from smiling so hard.

Unfortunately, Rose’s reflexes (although superhuman) were not quick enough at the speed they were going, and the back of their car nicked the front of truck’s chassis, and then, they were spinning out, and then, their car was in the middle of the road straddling both lanes. Luckily, they all seemed safe.

“Hey! What’s the big idea?”

However, the man driving the truck had also stopped and got out, supposedly to give them a piece of his mind.

Pearl’s instinct was to leap out of the car and to make excuses for Rose, but something was wrong with her. She couldn’t stop giggling, which she knew was an inappropriate reaction to the situation. Also, it could make the man even more angry with them, which they didn’t particularly need. So, she put her hands over her mouth and turned her back to the whole fiasco, shrinking into herself in order to hide herself with the seat.

Rose had already gotten out of the vehicle. “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t see you!”

“Yeah, because you were going a million miles an hour!”

“Oh, no, only about 95.”

“That’s what I meant!”

Garnet’s voice now entered the altercation.

“Please forgive us. We’re not too familiar with driving.”

“What a sorry excuse. You’re lucky I don’t call the police on you.”

“I understand. You have every right to be angry with us.”

Fortunately, the man didn’t seem like he wanted to escalate because he grumbled some unsavory words, and Pearl heard his door slam. Slowly, familiar footsteps approached and she could feel the car sink with the gem’s weight.

Amethyst, who had been silent until now, finally spoke up. “Man, that was a close call." She paused for a moment. "Wait, Pearl, are you crying?”

She uncurled herself and looked to the backseat. Tears hung at the edge of her eyes, but they were from laughter rather than from sorrow. Amethyst stared at her with a mix of confusion and discomfort, unsure how to respond to the frantic laugher she was finally able to vocalize.

“I—I’m sorry—I can’t stop—I can’t stop laughing—!”

If they had been paying attention, they would have seen Rose flinch, similar to how one would if they forgot to pick up eggs from the grocery store.

“You can stop having fun now, Pearl.”

And, like that, her body jolted and then relaxed. She took a deep breath in and centered herself. Her uneasy feelings returned. She felt embarrassed and slightly empty at the idea that she had failed to defend Rose in any way, even though the rational part of her mind told her that it was best for her not to have said anything while holding back laughter. Still, she failed her prime objective.

(_Useless._)

“I’m sorry, that was wildly inappropriate of me.” The smile she tried to give them was strangely lopsided.  


Garnet and Amethyst shared a wary glance but didn’t say anything.

“Well,” Rose began, probably to redirect the conversation, “since we probably should make ourselves scarce, let’s go back into town. I want to show Greg the car, anyway. I’m sure he’ll love it.”

With the mention of Greg’s name, Pearl deflated in her seat, crossing her arms.

“I told you that this was dangerous.”

“Yes, you’re always right, Pearl,” Rose sighed. She might have missed the flicker of exasperation in her voice, but she didn’t.

Pearl sunk deeper into the warm leather, wishing she’d disappear into the seat.

* * *

They drove much slower around the boardwalk, all a bit spooked after their little spill. Rose kept her eye out for Greg, but all of his usual spots were unoccupied. Pearl should have felt guilty for being thankful that he wasn’t around, but any excuse to keep Rose closer to her and farther from him was preferable. 

“Where could he have gone? This town is only so big.”

“Who knows?” Pearl muttered, still sunken in her seat, picking at her nail beds.

“Could he be sleeping in his van?” Amethyst asked.

“I don’t see his van anywhere either,” Garnet added. They knew she meant _see_ in the way that she couldn’t sense him in her vision, which was probably a more efficient way of looking for him than aimlessly wandering the beach.

Rose shrugged, silently deciding that she would continue their joy ride with or without him. They roamed around the city, but it struck Pearl that this was an oddly long time to be driving without a destination. She might have been showing off. But, showing off to whom? How the gems looked to humans didn’t matter—not really anyway. Possibly you’d want to come off as _cool_ if you were dating a human…?

Pearl was distracted from that train of thought by a shout from Amethyst.

“Heeeey, Vidalia!”

Sure enough, Vidalia was sitting on her porch. Usually, she’d be smoking a cigarette, but she wasn't that day.

“Whoa, Amethyst, nice wheels.” The only indication that she was actually impressed was a raise of one eyebrow.

“_Yeah_, some humans gave it to us. It goes super fast—we almost plowed into a truck.” She was way more excited about that fact than she should have been.

“Hardcore,” she nodded approvingly.

Rose slowed to a stop in front of her house. “Vidalia, you wouldn’t happen to have seen Greg, have you?”

She seemed as aloof and uninterested as ever, a bubble of gum popping loudly. However, her nonchalant attitude was somewhat ruined by her now showing baby bump.

“Probably in Ocean Town.”

“What? What’s he doing there?”

“Playing a gig.”

“They have a scene in Ocean Town?” Amethyst asked.

Rose added, “Last I heard, people kept setting fire to buildings there.”

“Well, there’s not so much a scene as there are a bunch of anarchists, rebels, punks—y’know. The ones who commit arson because they’re angry and bored.”

Pearl visibly grimaced even though she had been that rebelling anarchist punk in Homeworld’s eyes for thousands of years. Maybe that was why she grimaced.

“Long story short, Ocean Town loves a good show. And, I wanted an excuse to throw a party.”

“A party?”

“Yeah, an afterparty. You’re all invited, too, but at least try to look cool. Y’know, unless pastels are your thing.”

“Oh, no, we’ll make sure to look cool,” Amethyst chimed in. “Trust me, I’ve been to enough of Greg’s shows to know what kind of crowd he attracts.”

“Greg attracts a ‘cool crowd’?” Pearl asked, looking up at Rose. Rose shrugged.

“Eh, not exactly,” Vidalia said. “A cheap show is a cheap show. He attracts whatever Beach City riffraff is milling about. Usually our friends, to be honest. Ocean Town’s no different.”

Rose wrapped the conversation back around. “I always like a good party.”

“Well, show up here around eleven, then.”

“Yeah—we’ll be there.” Amethyst gave a thumbs up.

“Awesome.” She blew another bubble. Vidalia’s expression hadn’t changed the whole conversation. Pearl would never say it, but her stoicism always made her nervous. She was Pearl’s complete opposite in a way, considering Pearl wore her emotions on her sleeve.

And—a party? That felt like it would take a lot of energy to get through. Too many humans. But, Rose already agreed to go, and she wasn’t going to argue with Rose.

She had been deciding not to argue with Rose a lot lately, it seemed.

* * *

“What even is this party, anyway?”

Pearl sat next to the warp pad, her arms and legs crossed, and watched as Amethyst tugged on a leather jacket and put her hair up in a side ponytail.

“Uh, an afterparty, duh.” She looked at Pearl like she was an idiot, which made Pearl a little angry, mostly because Amethyst was way more knowledgable about human concepts than she was.

“I don’t know what that is.”

Garnet had not changed her appearance except for wearing a bomber jacket that Amethyst had hoarded in her mess of a room for the past few years. “It is a party that occurs after an event. In this case, Greg’s show.”

“Great,” she said sarcastically. “A Greg Party.”

That was when Rose came out of her room, wearing her Mr. Universe t-shirt and black shorts. A jean jacket was hanging over her arm. Pearl looked down at her own clothes, at her bright leg warmers and fluttering translucent shawl. Vidalia had talked about pastels as if they were ‘_uncool,_’ but Pearl hadn’t known anything other than bright colors being Pink Diamond’s Pearl and all. She liked pastels, thank you very much.

Rose must have noticed Pearl’s sour face because when she walked over, she crouched down and put a hand on her shoulder.

“Are you coming to the party with us?”

“I don’t know if I’d fit in. I only wear _pastels._”

The way she said the word made Rose laugh. Pearl secretly hoped it was because she found her bitterness charming and not because she was pitying her.

“I have some clothes you could try on, if you’d like.”

Pearl quirked an eyebrow. How could she possibly have clothes that would fit her when their physical forms were so different?

“Don’t worry, I’ll find something for you.” The larger gem dashed away, running back into her room, the doors shutting moments after she passed through the threshold. It didn’t take her long to reemerge, though. And, this time, she had more than just a jacket over her arm.

“Here,” Rose said, handing Pearl a bundle of clothes. They were all black except a flannel, which had red and blue mixed in with—you guessed it—black. Pearl looked at it all with confusion, but she was just overwhelmed.

“I’m not sure if these are going to fit—”

Rose interrupted her.

“Would you like some help?”

“Um.”

Before Pearl could formulate a response, she took the first article of clothing from Pearl’s hands. She held it out in front of her. It was just a t-shirt. Well, it would have been a t-shirt for Rose, but it looked more like a dress next to Pearl’s short stature. Rose’s expectant smile told her that it was probably intentionally large for her.

Placing the remaining clothes on the warp pad, Pearl allowed Rose to slip the shirt-dress over her head, and Pearl couldn’t help but grow warm as much larger hands ghosted over her body to smooth out the wrinkles, to cuff the sleeves a few times.

“And, this—” Rose picked up and held the flannel for Pearl to see, “—will go around your waist.”

Pearl’s eyebrows furrowed. It was a long sleeve shirt. How was it supposed to attach to her abdomen? But, Rose silently answered that question by reaching around her with each sleeve and tying it tightly around her small frame. The gesture felt suspiciously close to a hug.

(Amethyst, who had previously been watching the exchange, turned away as if she had accidentally intruded on something she wasn’t supposed to see.)

“And, last but not least…I was going to wear this, but I think it’d really tie everything together.”

The black jean jacket that had previously been over Rose’s arm was held behind Pearl. She put her arms in, one sleeve at a time. It was much too big for her, but she also didn’t exactly mind wearing Rose’s clothing. Honestly, this whole thing felt slightly childish, but coming from Rose—(it felt almost romantic).

“There. You look like a proper rebel.”

Amethyst finally turned back, but she put a hand to her mouth and laughed. “You look really gay, Pearl.”

“Huh?” Pearl knew what the word meant considering she’d heard humans use it before, but the context of Amethyst’s observation went over her head.

“Don’t tease, Amethyst,” Garnet said.

“Sure, _mom_,” she teased Garnet instead, waving her off.

Rose giggled at the back and forth because she probably found it endearing, but even her laugh couldn’t dull the dread in Pearl’s body. She wrapped her hands around Rose’s wrist and gave her a pleading look.

“Yes, Pearl?”

She dropped her voice low so the others couldn’t hear her.

“I don’t really want to go to a party about Greg. Is that okay?”

Rose, then, looked to understand why she’d been so pouty the whole time, but she wasn’t the type of gem to give up without a fight. She bent down to her eye level.

“Ah, well…” Rose’s tone was also quiet, which drew attention from Amethyst once again, not that she could understand what they were saying. “If you come with us, I’ll be your date tonight. Alright?”

She imagined that a flower had bloomed in her chest and pushed up warmth to her head that threatened to make her dizzy.

“Really?”

“Yes. You don’t have to worry about Greg.”

Pearl blinked because her natural instinct was to refute what she was saying. How could she _not_ worry about Greg when he threatened to upset the balance of their entire team structure, of the entire structure of _them?_ But, the way that Rose looked at her so earnestly and spoke to her so earnestly made her unable to open her mouth.

“Ay, yo, Rose. We should get going soon. It’s—like—10:45.”

She straightened up from her position in front of Pearl so she could take in the sight of Garnet and Amethyst looking very cool.

“You two go on ahead. I’m going to speak with Pearl for a few more minutes. You don’t have to wait up.”

It was not the first time today that the two of them shared a strange glance.

“Alright,” Garnet responded.

“See ya at the party, PR.”

As they left, Rose turned back to Pearl.

“Let’s go for a drive. Just the two of us.”

Pearl wasn’t sure what to say. She was…confused, but her non-existent heart jumped at the thought of them alone together. As much as she didn’t understand why Rose was doing this, she was still grateful.

“Only if you drive much slower than you did earlier.”

Rose grabbed her hand and shook it.

“Deal.”

* * *

Rose kept to her promise of driving at a much more reasonable speed. Instead of whipping them in the face, the air felt like it was drifting softly over her skin, lulling her into a sense of security she’d not felt when going 95 miles per hour down a curvy road, even when she was a giggling mess.

The sky glittered with stars, which Pearl admired. She missed the stars, but she would give up anything and everything just to be where she was right then. Just the two of them. This gesture felt way more important to Pearl than it probably should have, but like always, Rose knew just what to do to make her feel safe and wanted.

“Oh, the stars are so beautiful tonight,” Rose gushed. “It reminds me of those days.”

Those Days were instantly understood to be the time of the Rebellion, of the nights that they’d stand in an abandoned battlefield and gather their strength from the beauty of the Earth. It was nostalgic, in a way. Except, now, they drew their strength from peace, from each other.

(Pearl drew almost all of her strength from Her.)

“It does. I love a clear sky.”  


“I do, too.”

Rose’s large hand covered Pearl’s, which was resting on her leg, and they intertwined their fingers, just like they would do during Those Days. It filled Pearl with an excitement she barely felt anymore—a hope that she’d all but lost.

(Maybe she was the most important. Maybe she was right about Greg. Maybe…Rose had been telling the truth when she told her that she mattered, that she’d never stop caring about her.)

“I can’t remember the last time we did something like this.”

“It has been a while,” Rose frowned. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel unwanted. That wasn’t my intention.”

She wondered if this was truly reality because Rose was telling her all the things she desperately wanted to hear. It felt strange, but she wasn't going to question it.

“I’ll admit that maybe I have been feeling a little lonely. It’s not your fault, though,” she lied.

“I’m sorry about that, Pearl.” She looked over to her, expression very earnest. “I really am.”

Her eyes stung as relief coursed through her. She didn’t want to cry, but she’d been so worried about Rose leaving that these simple sentiments could reduce her to tears. She was pathetic, but she’d already come to terms with that fact a long time ago.

“Oh, Pearl.”

In her effort to wipe away her tears, she hadn’t noticed that they’d pulled off the road and onto the beach. When her vision cleared, she realized that Rose was looking at her with very intense eyes, eyes that could shatter her into a million pieces time and time again.

“Come here.”

Her seatbelt was unbuckled and her waist was gripped by large hands, and suddenly, she was in the air, body above the driver's seat and the car and her swath of pink hair. She was set down softly on the other gem’s lap, legs straddled over her thighs. If not for the steering wheel pressing into her back, Pearl would have found the position all too comfortable, all too ‘Everything She Ever Wanted.’

(It was impossible to ignore the hands that lingered around her hips and how the position she was in made her shirt/dress ride up around her thighs, exposing parts of her legs that were almost always exposed—but this was different somehow.)

“Rose.” Her name came out as a fluttering exhale.

Said gem took Pearl’s arms and placed them on her shoulders. Her own arms went around Pearl’s waist, and it dawned on Pearl that they were in an embrace, however loose it was.

“You mean so much to me, Pearl.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but there were no words for her to say.

“It tears me up when you look so sad.”

“Rose, I—I didn’t mean—”

Her panicked apology was cut off by a soft hush, by her arms pulling her closer.

“You will always and forever be My Pearl. Please, never forget that.”

Hands were flat on her back, holding a thin body close to a much larger one. Pearl's breathing had increased even though she didn’t need the oxygen. She squeezed her back, finally relaxing in her arms, finally giving a sliver of vulnerability over to this woman.

Rose moved her head, and there was a peck on Pearl’s cheek. She squeaked, but Rose had already trailed farther down, kisses peppered on her neck and on her shoulder. Pearl’s hands clenched into fists behind Rose’s neck as she used all of her energy to hold back tiny sounds that threatened to expose her as the weak pearl she was. 

(As much as she loved Rose with all her gem, she was always too nervous to be fully vulnerable, to be fully herself. She always shaped herself into what she thought Rose would like because she couldn’t imagine she’d love someone as weak as her.)

“I’ll never let you go.”

She knew what she meant, but it made her fantasize that Rose would never let go of their embrace, never allow time to move forward, never allow anyone to come between them and what they had. But, of course, that wasn’t what she meant. That didn’t stop Pearl from wishing with all her gem that it was.

They stayed there in each other’s arms for what felt like an eternity, but it was only a few minutes.

She didn’t want to be let down. She didn’t want to let go of Rose’s shoulders. She wanted to keep her face buried in her soft hair, to listen to the waves on the shore, to feel the sea spray on her physical form.

But, all good things come to an end. Unfortunately.

“We should make our way to the party, shouldn’t we?”

Pearl sighed into the crook of her neck.

“Yes, I suppose we should.”

When she pulled away, Rose’s hands rested on her waist, like they had before. Her smile couldn’t be described by any word other than adoring.

“My Pearl.”

Giggles, much like the ones forced out of her that afternoon, bubbled onto the sand.


	3. Public Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl is not much of a party-goer, but she will pretend if she has to. Unfortunately, it's also a perfect opportunity to make a fool of herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is partially based on [Public Places by Daniella Mason](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9StqwFAstU) and partially on [Nervous Energy by Glades](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXvzw7BDElg)

She said that she would be Pearl’s date, but Rose managed to slip out of her grasp only a few moments after walking through the door.

This was normal for her as Rose continued to do whatever she wanted, but it felt a bit more heart-wrenching this time because she’d just said that it was going to be a night for them to be together, and she just didn’t seem to care.

How could she do this when she’d just made such an elaborate show of how much she adored her? She was getting that metaphorical whiplash again. 

(_She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me—_)

She loved her not?

Pearl was running out of petals to pluck out of her nonexistent heart.

Oh well. No use fixating on it, she told herself. Rose was free to do what she desired after all. And, if that meant abandoning her at a strange party with strange guests, then that was what was going to be done. It was fine! It was so fine. There was nothing wrong with this situation whatsoever.

Haha.

Maybe she should find Garnet and Amethyst, though, just so she could have some sort of emotional anchor. She needed someone’s arm to grasp onto, just so her mind wouldn’t float out of her body.

It was easy to spot them though, even amongst a large crowd of people (geez, she hadn’t realized that Greg had amassed somewhat of a local cult following) just because Garnet was so tall and Amethyst was so loud.

She wandered over to Garnet who gave a small wave. Pearl grabbed onto her thin arm as soon as she got close enough. Garnet didn’t react to this.

Amethyst was—well…she was throwing little ping pong balls around and chugging large cups of what Pearl had to assume was alcohol. The place reeked of it. It was like cleaning supplies, which Pearl usually enjoyed, but mixed with sweat and yeast, which she did not.

Sighing at Amethyst’s antics, she turned to Garnet and asked, “Have you seen Rose? I lost her on the way in.”

“No, I haven’t. Although, I’m almost certain she’ll be with Greg.”

Pearl’s face fell. Of course. _Of course_, she’d be with Greg. Why would she be with anyone else?

“Oh.”

That was when Amethyst ditched whatever game she was playing and came over to greet her.

“Aye, Pearl, wassup?” Her words slurred into each other.

“Are you already drunk?”

“Nah, not yet. Just warming up,” she said, cracking her knuckles as if she were about to punch a bottle of liquor to show it who was boss. “What about you? Gonna drink tonight?”

“You know I don’t like the very idea of consumption.”

“Yeah, but alcohol’s different. Makes you feel good.”

She had to admit that anything to make her feel good would have been nice, but she knew by the smell that liquor tasted bad, and she didn’t particularly care to confirm her suspicions. 

“No thanks.”

“Suit yourself,” Amethyst said, waving her off as she walking into the kitchen, presumably to get more alcohol.

“I don’t think I like it here,” she said to Garnet, who had been mostly quiet since Pearl arrived. 

“It’s loud, isn’t it?”

It was loud. The music was a high enough volume that it was making everyone talk over it in order to hear, plus when you mix a little alcohol in with humans, they get even louder. Pearl looked up to Garnet, who had gone silent again. She wondered if she was staying in her mind, the two halves of herself chatting alone instead of with anyone in reality. Pearl wished that she could do that, but leaving herself alone with the various pieces of her mind usually devolved into terrible panic or deep-seated despair. She tried to distract herself with more tangible things to keep her head on straight.

It then dawned on her why exactly she and Garnet were there—it was mostly for Rose and Amethyst. They were being supportive friends. They didn’t really care for large crowds or human parties in general, but they were willing to put up with it as long as the others were having a good time. It made her feel a bit better because she was fulfilling her role in aiding Rose with the act of simply existing in the same space. It calmed some of the anxiety that had been fluttering in her chest for the past few minutes. She allowed her hands to release their grip on Garnet’s arm.

She watched the people milling around, socializing and drinking and having fun. They all looked tough, and most of them dressed in all black. That was probably why she had been placed in the outfit she had on. Pearl had to admit that it didn’t really suit her. The dark colors stood out against her pink hair and pink shoes, but thankfully, no one was really paying attention to them because they were keeping to themselves. Talking to humans had always been a weakness she possessed. It felt impossible to relate to them sometimes.

Not Rose, though. She _loved_ humans. She found them so interesting, so exotic, so entertaining. Pearl understood in some respects what she saw in them. They were interesting at a fundamental level, but the novelty had worn off after a few thousand years.

Speaking of the devil, Greg had appeared from the kitchen—with Rose, of course. Pearl couldn’t help but feel rage build up inside her. She didn’t want to be angry, but Greg caused her to experience a multitude of negative emotions. In theory, questioning any of Rose’s associations was out of line, but she couldn’t help it. She just hated him so much. Hated him for taking her away, for distancing them. All of her turmoil was _his fault_, and it made her imaginary blood boil.

Garnet must have noticed her change in body language because she put a hand on her shoulder, her faceted palm cool on her skin.

“It’s alright, Pearl.”

“I know! Why would I think it wasn’t?” Pearl laughed nervously. “Why do _you_ think it isn’t?”

She removed her hand and frowned.

“Just try not to make a scene.”

Of course, Garnet had every right to be worried about that very thing, but the comment hurt far worse than it probably should have.

(Did the others just see her as a problem that had to be kept in check? Was she the Crazy Lady who Made a Scene in Public Places just because Rose Liked _A Boy?_ The idea made her feel outright horrible.)

The worst part of it was, Garnet had probably seen a future where she had made a scene right then. 

Pearl let her head drop to her chest. Whatever pride she’d felt in supporting Rose had withered away.

(The flower that had bloomed in her chest earlier in the night had wilted.)

She didn’t want to watch Rose with Greg, but she couldn’t help but peak upward. They were smiling, laughing, drinking. Having Fun.

(_I was supposed to be her date._)

(She already spent time with you.)

(_She told me not to worry about Greg._)

(That was clearly a lie_._)

(_No, she wouldn’t lie to me. I can’t think that’d she’d lie to me. That’s horrible. Rose wouldn’t lie._)

(She lies all the time.)

(_No, no, no. I feel so horrible that I’d even think to doubt her._)

The other half of her inner dialogue was mysteriously silent after that. Maybe she had shut herself up.

Unfortunately, that was when Rose and Greg decided to stroll on up. Her voice woke Pearl out of her dark headspace.

“Ah! Garnet, I found you,” Rose giggled, pulling Garnet into a hug. She tentatively returned it, looking as though she had been taken by surprise.

“Are you having fun?” Garnet asked as she let her go.

“Of course! I love parties.” She grinned, “How about you, Garnet? Pearl?”

She put on a smile that she hoped would fool them all, but she knew it wouldn’t.

“So much fun,” she said, voice wavering a bit. Garnet offered a nod.

(Pearl stole a glance at Greg, but he was trying to steal a glance at her too, so they made momentary eye contact and then looked away immediately. They both pretended like it hadn’t happened.)

“Are you two drinking?” Rose asked, holding up her red plastic cup.

“No,” Garnet simply said.

Pearl got a strange feeling in her stomach. “Do you think I should?” she asked.

Rose put a finger to her lip in a pensive gesture, thinking about it for a moment. “I don’t know. Do you want to try it?”

She shrugged, “Sure.”

(If she was honest with herself, she would have acknowledged the eyes on her—Garnet’s that said, “You refused Amethyst but obliged to her,” and Greg’s that said, “Doesn’t she hate stuff like this?” and Rose’s which said, “If you wish, My Pearl.”)

Pearl’s eyes softened as if to say, “If it pleases My Diamond.” 

She obviously wanted to do this. And, to prove it to herself, she took the cup as it was offered. Peering down into it, the liquid was a disturbingly bright red that almost matched the color of the plastic, and it had a strong chemical smell, not unlike the one that wafted around the room. She quickly fashioned the bare minimum of a digestive track she’d need to _consume alcohol_, and threw back a large gulp. Every part of her wanted to cough it back up, but she willed herself to swallow.

“It tastes like juice.” 

Rose nodded. “Amethyst said that Vidalia calls it ‘Jungle Juice,’ so it’s only fitting.”

No one expected Greg to speak up, but he did.

“Just be careful. Jungle Juice isn’t something to mess around with. It might taste good, but its got, like, five types of alcohol in it.”

“Well,” Rose jumped in before Pearl could even decipher what Greg had even said, “I’m sure Pearl can take care of herself.”

“Oh, absolutely, heh,” he said, scratching the back of his head with the hand that wasn’t holding a drink in front of his face, “I’m just saying, if you’re not used to drinking…”

To prove she was the bigger gem, she responded with a kind, “Thank you, Greg. That’s thoughtful of you.” She even smiled a little bit. See? She could be civil.

“Aha, no problem.”

“We’re going to go mill around a little more, but we’ll probably bump into you two again.”

“Right.”

As they walked away, Pearl let out a breath that she hadn’t known she was holding. Even just physical proximity to Rose was exhausting sometimes. But, she just figured that was how love was.

It wasn’t like she knew anything different.

* * *

Another tactic Pearl used when invited to parties was to hide in the bathroom. 

Most people wouldn’t question it, considering only the gems and their close friends knew that she wasn’t human, and so it gave her a place to sit and think, to order the thoughts that would spring up when she was anxious.

She stood in front of the mirror and stared at herself, at her eyes, and her gem, and the lines etched between her eyebrows and under her eyes and at the corners of her lips. Any being, human or gem alike, could see that she wasn’t having fun. Why did she say she was having fun if she wasn’t having fun?

Oh, right. Rose. How could she forget?

And, the drink she’d taken—that was for Rose, too. She didn’t know how it would help her, but she did it anyway. She looked amused, at the very least. Maybe pretending like she wanted to be there was what she was going for. Pearl didn’t really know. But, even though she’d only taken a sip, she did feel a slight fuzz in her mind. It wasn’t very strong at all, and she still felt like herself, but something about reality was slightly softer. She didn’t dislike it.

Pearl breathed in to center herself. Out of all the human functions, breathing had always appealed to her most. The pressure and release of her chest were calming, and she felt more safe inside her skin than she usually did. Her physical form had never felt too solid to her. She was always distinctly aware that she was made of light, and for some reason, feeling unreal was scary. But, she hadn’t known anything else. Breathing was the closest she had felt to being alive in the organic sense, so forming lungs didn’t feel as gross as a digestive system did.

Although, now that she thought of it, experimenting with human drugs _had_ always intrigued her. During their research and study she and Rose conducted, altered psychology was definitely the most interesting to her. Mental disorders, psychoactive substances, neurological disorders. So many ways the human brain could malfunction. It wasn’t unlike a gem and how it could be chipped, cracked, corrupted, or shattered.

With one more breath, she turned to the door to go back to the party. Well, she was going to until there was a knock on the door.

“Is anyone in there?” It was a man.

She scoffed to herself. Clearly. The door was locked.

Even though she formulated an answer in her mind, she stayed quiet, not sure what to actually say out loud.

Another knock.

“Helloooo?”

This voice, she knew. It was Rose. This realization had her quickly unlocking the door and throwing it open. She should have already known that Greg would also be by her side, looking shocked and flustered, but the idea that he was always attached to her hip was still difficult to comprehend.

“Oh, Pearl!” Rose was very good at acting like this wasn’t horrifically awkward. “I told you we’d run into each other again.”

“Yes, you did.” Pearl’s smile wouldn’t have even fooled the most emotionally inept. Her eyes flicked to Greg, who still looked spooked. He silently mouthed, _sorry_. 

“I hope we didn’t interrupt you.”  


Interrupt her from doing what?

“Not at all, Rose.”

“Oh, good.”

The second Pearl moved away, Rose yanked Greg into the bathroom, giggling. Pearl walked down the stairs, pretending like none of that had ever happened.

* * *

“I guess I’m drinking tonight.”

Pearl appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, looking tired and defeated. Amethyst had been talking to Vidalia, but they both turned to her when she spoke.

Amethyst looked surprised, but not in a mocking way. “I thought you said you weren’t gonna?”

Vidalia raised an eyebrow but stayed silent. She did not have a drink in her hand.

“I tried a little of that…_juice_. It wasn’t so bad. I’m sure there are worse things to—consume.”

Something about Amethyst’s body language made Pearl feel uncomfortable, but there wasn’t enough energy in her body left to figure out what it was. Regardless, Amethyst walked over to the cooler on the counter and picked up a red cup.

“Yeah, I mean, sure. Do what you want, P. As long as you’re having fun.” Amethyst dipped the cup into the monstrously red liquid.

“Has everyone been serving themselves that way?”

“It’s kind of the thing you do with this stuff.”

Pearl laughed, putting a hand to her forehead, her fingertips ghosting over her gem. “How disgusting.”

“I don’t think any germs could live in there if they wanted to,” Vidalia smiled. “Too much Everclear.”

She didn’t know what Everclear was, but—wait, did Vidalia just smile at her? Pearl wasn’t sure she’d ever seen her smile at anyone but Amethyst. 

“—Here.”

Once again she was being handed a red cup. It felt like the night kept cycling over and over. Same situation, different person. The second she didn’t keep an iron-clad grasp on her mind, it was like a thread being unwound from a thimble. Nothing seemed too awful because it kept going around and around forever. A few hours at a party was nothing compared to the thousands of years she’d lived. She’d be okay. She just had to keep unwinding.

(Rose preferring Greg over her. Over and over. She’d be okay, but she had to keep unwinding.)

She took the cup from Amethyst, not hesitating before taking a much bigger drink than before. For some reason, this time, it felt more gratifying. Maybe it was because she was doing it to escape pain rather than to impress someone who could never be impressed for too long.

“So, Pierogi. How’s the party?” Amethyst feigned normalcy, even though, by the way she was leaning against the counter, she was clearly very drunk.

“Yeah,” Vidalia jumped in. “I never knew you liked to drink.”

(Vidalia was being strangely vocal with her. Sure, they knew of each other, but they’d never had a meaningful conversation that would warrant interest in her night or her alcohol consumption.)

“I don’t really,” she admitted. “But, I’m always interested in finding new ways to explore the human experience.”

“That’s a load of shit, Pearl,” Amethyst laughed.

Pearl couldn’t help but smile. “Yes, I suppose it is.” She threw back another portion of juice. “It’s just that Rose looked to be having so much fun. I wondered what I was missing out on.” That was probably even more of a lie, but it was easier to say than any of the other things that were the truth.

Even in her alcoholic stupor, Amethyst seemed to flinch.

“Er, I mean, I guess that’s a reason.”

Vidalia looked similarly disconcerted, but she quickly recovered.

“If you want more of the 'Human Experience,’ I have a game we could play. Even the worst humans play it at least once.”

“Oh, I like games,” Pearl smiled.

* * *

The ping-pong ball bounced off the edge of a cup and rolled onto the floor.

“Oh, darn. I almost had it,” Pearl chided herself.

Amethyst crawled under the table and grabbed it. “Yeah, I thought you were going to get it too, P.”

Beer pong. What a silly name for an equally silly game. Vidalia moved a cup over to Pearl’s side of the table. Amethyst put the ball in Vidalia’s hand.

“Say your prayers, Pearl.”

“Trust me, I’ve already accepted my fate. I’m supposed to be exploring the human experience, aren’t I?”

Vidalia gave her that small smile again before shooting the ball directly into the cup with the most beer.

“Sorry, P. You got the bitch cup.”

Usually, Pearl would scold her for her language, but she simply giggled as she picked up the cup and took the ping-pong ball out of it.

“How rude.” 

She tossed the ball back to Amethyst before tossing back the beer, taking it down much easier than she had ever consumed anything before. Compared to the juice, it tasted pretty much like water. When she put the empty receptacle on the table and opened her eyes, she had to admit that she felt different. Maybe not happier, but definitely more solid.

“Whoa, for someone who doesn’t drink, you really can chug it down,” Vidalia gave a nod of approval.

Pearl shrugged. “It seems I’ve simply stopped caring about what’s good for me.”

That was a tad too accurate to her whole life story, but instead of looking upset, the two other women burst into laughter. Pearl smiled again.

“Damn. That’s for fucking sure. All of us have. Except for Vidalia.”

“Well, excuse me, Miss Alien Princess. I have a baby inside me.”

“Oh, Boo Hoo.”

She rolled her eyes and looked back at Pearl. “Anyway, I won.”

“I suppose you did.”

“Loser has to finish their drink.”

Pearl smiled and did as she was told, finding a unique pleasure in the art of self-destruction.

* * *

She made a mental note that she hadn’t seen Garnet in a while.

That could have been related to one of two things: she either left, or Pearl was drunk and couldn’t keep her eyes from losing focus. Maybe both.

“Amethyst?” Her name was hard to say all of a sudden. “Have you seen Garnet?”

Amethyst was sitting on the kitchen counter, a beer bottle in her hand.

“Yeah, she went out back like fifteen minutes ago.”

“Oh, thank you very much.”

The other woman smirked and bowed mockingly. “Of course, m’lady.”

“You’re lucky I don’t feel like picking a fight, young lady.”

They both burst into laughter even though none of it was very funny.

“Here.” Pearl turned around and Vidalia was shoving a glass of wine in her hand. “I want to drink this so bad that I’m giving it to you so I don’t.”

“Oh,” she said, thrown into a surprised daze. “Thank you.”

Vidalia gave her a wave and moved into the other room where Amethyst quickly followed. Pearl used this as an opportunity to slip out the back door.

Sure enough, Garnet sat on the steps of the porch, staring at the sky. Pearl sat next to her, which was enough of a change in her environment for Garnet to glance down at her.

“Pearl.”

“Hello, Garnet,” she gushed, feeling a burst of happiness spread through her. She really liked Garnet, and it was nice to find her again in the sea of strangers. “How are you doing?”

Garnet ignored her question.

“You really are drinking, aren’t you?”

“Why is everyone so surprised?” she asked, knowing exactly why everyone was so surprised.

Because of either that reason or another, Garnet grew silent again. She was acting like she was unhappy and had been for the entire party.

“Are you okay?” Pearl asked earnestly. She held up the glass of red wine. “Do you want this? It’s helping me.”

“No. I’m fine.”

With that, she got up and went back inside. Pearl looked down at the rippling dark red drink and wondered what she was doing wrong.

* * *

She hadn’t felt like getting up, so Pearl sat on the back porch and stared absently at the moon as Garnet had been doing, listened absently to the cacophony of loud humans and loud music as she had been doing when she first arrived. The alcohol she’d consumed made everything feel a bit unreal, blurred and covered with a thick blanket that slowed her body and mind down.

The digestive tract she’d fashioned for herself felt warm, surely because the alcohol was burning her from the inside out—no, no—she was just being dramatic. Alcohol is a vasodilator, which causes capillaries to release more blood to various places in the body. Pearl knew she didn’t have blood, but maybe the alcohol brought more energy and light to her insides, made her skin glow subtly in the dark.

But, where it brought warmth, it also extracted the cold she buried deep inside herself. The tiny voices and doubts inside her felt louder than they had been.

(_What is wrong with Garnet? Was it something I did? Why didn’t she want to talk to me?_)

(It’s weird that you’re drinking. She’s obviously concerned, but you want to remain peacefully ignorant.)

(_But, shouldn’t I be allowed to do something fun for a change? I’ve been feeling so lost lately…_)

(You’re not allowed to do things that are self-indulgent. You live to serve, remember?)

(_Yes, but—she doesn’t need me right now._)

(You’re right. So what’s the use of you again?)

She nursed the glass of wine in her hand, determined to let the fuzzy feeling inside her block out all the negativity she was feeling. If she could just lose herself completely, maybe she wouldn’t feel so disappointed.

(She abandoned you for him again. She lied to you again. She tossed you aside again.)

(_No. Please stop. It’s not true._)

(Shut yourself down. Don’t feel hope because it always leads to more pain. Expect the worst. Accept the worst.)

(_But, I want to believe in her._)

In about a minute, Pearl had consumed her whole glass. She wanted to drown herself in a goblet of wine as big as the ocean.

Pearl had been so lost in her own mind that she hadn’t realized that someone else had emerged from the house until they sat down next to her.

“Vidalia?” She was unable to hide her shock.

“Hey.”

“What are you—”

“I just wanted to check up on you. Amethyst mentioned that you were acting funny. And, I think you look kinda down.”

Pearl felt her cheeks grow turquoise. 

“Oh, no, nothing’s wrong. I’m just not really a party person. I’m trying my best, considering the juice and all, but I’m mostly here to keep Amethyst and Rose company.”

“But, she’s off galavanting with Greg, right?”

She stared at Vidalia, unable to keep a pained expression of her face. “W-Well, it’s only natural to be around someone you’re…in a relationship with.”

“I guess.”

Pearl raised an eyebrow. “You don’t sound very convinced.”

“It’s just…I don’t know. I don’t know if I trust her.”

“Rose?” Pearl gawked. “Why wouldn’t you? She’s wonderful.”

“Yeah. That’s all I hear—that she’s wonderful,” Vidalia rolled her eyes. “It’s weird that you all worship her like that.”

“But—it’s not! She’s the savior of our planet! She gave up everything for us.”

“A true martyr, huh? I don’t know. She gives me bad vibes.”

She decided to end this conversation.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Pearl stood where she sat and turned around, walking toward the door. The sound of it slamming behind her sounded hollow and vacant.

* * *

“We’re leaving,” Garnet announced.

Pearl stood in front of her, feeling like her body was swaying just slightly.

“Huh? Why?”

“It’s late. And, Rose is about to leave as well.”

She looked over towards the door where Rose was leaning against the wall with a flirtatious nonchalance that she reserved for only the human men. They were all so dumb to fall for an act so clearly contrived, Greg among them.

“Oh.”

“Awww, but G-Squad!” Amethyst groaned even though she looked like she was trying not to fall over. “The party’s just started.”

“It’s 3 am.”

Amethyst raised an eyebrow. “Is that late?”

“Yes.”

“Yoo-hoo!” Rose called over from the door. “We’re going to leave, but this was so much fun. Thank you, Vidalia, for such a wonderful night.”

Vidalia leaned on the doorframe of the kitchen. She blew a gum bubble, which popped loudly now that the music had been turned off.

It wasn’t until she turned and Greg followed her out that it clicked in Pearl’s head what the situation was. She was going with Greg. And, not her. Before Pearl could tell herself not to, she rushed out the door to catch up with them.

“Wait, Rose!”

They had already made it to the street, Greg’s van was parked in front of the house. They both turned to look at her. Their expressions may have stopped a Normal Pearl from running over to them, but Normal Pearl wasn’t there at the moment. She didn't even notice that her hands were shaking.

Rose looked at Pearl with a strange look as she stopped in front of them. “What is it, Pearl?”

Her eyes felt so wide, she wondered how they didn’t fall out of her head.

“You’re leaving? With Greg’s van and not the convertible?” She talked like he wasn’t standing in front of her.

The larger woman looked over to the Pink Cadillac parked in Vidalia’s driveway. “I’ll just pick it up tomorrow. I really shouldn’t be driving, anyway.”

“But, I—but, you said—”

“_Pearl_,” she said in a warning tone, “we hung out earlier. I haven’t seen Greg in a few days. I want to spend time with him.”

“But, you—but, I—why do you—”

“I’m sorry, Pearl. There must have been a misunderstanding.”

Clearly. Clearly, Pearl misunderstood everything about the situation. The hurt inside her turned to anger, but because she could never yell at Rose, she turned to Greg.

“Why do you have to like her? Why are you so insufferable?”

“Whoa, whoa. I’m not here to fight,” Greg said, waving his hands in front of his face. “Can’t we just be civil?”

“You don’t…you don’t know…you don’t know anything.”

She couldn’t say anything she truly wanted, not in front of Greg. It wasn’t like she could form words anyway with how slow her brain was going, swimming through her thick drunken sadness. Before she could stop herself, tears streamed down her face, plopping on the ground.

“Oh shit—”

Rose frowned. “Please, Pearl. Don’t be upset.”

Pearl didn’t respond to that. Instead, she put her head in her hands and sobbed into them, her shoulders shaking from the intensity of her sorrow.

(She had been pushed around one too many times, she had been abandoned one too many times, she had a glass of wine one too many times.)

She felt a hand on her shoulder. Looking up, she turned and saw Garnet’s stoic face. Maybe she was imagining it, but her skin looked tight, like she was clenching her jaw.

“C’mon, Pearl. We’re going home.”

“B-But, Garnet—”

As if Pearl were a helpless princess, Garnet picked her up in her arms and held her bridal style, her tears temporarily stopping as she was forced into shock due to the sudden change in position.

“I’m sorry, Rose, Greg. I saw this coming, but I didn’t know how to stop it.”

Pearl curled into Garnet’s chest, hiding her face and cheeks because she was so, so embarrassed. She was making a scene, just like Garnet had told her not to. She was the Crazy Lady who cried in Public Places just because Rose wouldn’t spend enough time with her.

(Truly pathetic. She knew she was pathetic before, but this was really enough to knock her down a few more pegs that she didn’t even have.)

Garnet turned and caught up with Amethyst, Pearl still crying into her chest. Amethyst tried to be sympathetic by asking her what was wrong, but Pearl couldn’t say anything. How could she knowing that she was a burden on everyone, a fool, a stupid, stupid mess who collapsed into melodrama the second she was disappointed?

(Her head was stuffed with cotton balls. Her faucets had been turned on, and there was no way to turn them off again. She wondered if she would cry herself to death. She certainly wanted to die of embarrassment, at the very least.)

When they got to the Temple, Garnet set her down, a hand on her arm to steady her as she wobbled. She looked stern, an expression that she didn’t want to see aimed at her. It only made her feel more shameful, more _stupid_. She should have never gone to that party. She should have never been fooled by Rose’s sweet words.

Greg would always win over her. She knew that, but she had allowed herself to forget. She made the mistake of having hope, and then, it was dashed in an instant. Having hope was the worst thing she could have done.

“I know it’s difficult for you, but you really must not bother Greg like that.”

She sniffed, “I know.”

“Get some rest.”

And, with that Garnet went into her room. Amethyst must have done so before her, not wanting to witness the awkward altercation, but Pearl didn’t notice because she was too focused on herself again. The Selfish Pearl. No one had ever heard of such a ridiculous thing.

She went into her room, too. The water which flowed endlessly felt so lonely now. Regardless, she stepped onto it and willed her body to be absorbed.

The thing she did like about water was that she couldn’t tell if she was crying while she was submerged. She also could scream, but only bubbles would come out of her mouth, and no one had to put up with her or her ridiculous outbursts.

For not the first time that day, Pearl wished she would just disappear. She wished it was possible to completely disappear forever and to not have to deal with emotions like pain, and sadness, and heartbreak.

However, she knew it was impossible. Not until she was shattered would she be free from this personal torture. But, she still wished for simple nothingness with all of her being. 

Without the notion of Rose's unwavering love, it was the only thing she had to hold onto.


End file.
